Today, I start and write with a heavy heart. Not because I have lost a loved one or someone dear to me. But just realizing myself, of how much Multiple Sclerosis has quietly taken from me. Their is so many things I want to do, so many things I use to enjoy and took for granted.
"Don't take any day for granted. "
"Give it your best or don't do it at all"
Now, that was a place I never gave up on either. I did so many things I enjoyed. Reflexology, Computer Training, Web Design, Bookkeeping and then I got my AZ drivers license to not only do the office work of our construction company, but I wanted out in the field, out with our customers. I had also gained my the Heavy Equipment Licenses I needed to qualify to work with these machines but, also get them too and from the jobs. I loved entertaining. We would have BBQ’s and pool parties, evening campfires in the summer. Our friends and their kids would be over and our kids with their friends. It was like Grand Central Station pretty much most of the time. I look back and see how happy I was and what a great life I had been living.
"Don't look back, you can't go back there. Look ahead!"
Lately, this dam disease has had me really thinking about what it has taken from me. From our family. Now thinking, I did all of those things without even thinking about how I would get it done, I just did it. Never, thinking about how I would feel while doing it. If I could even follow it through with out being drained. Even possibly pushing myself to of total exhaustion. Ending up sleeping for days or even having a flare up that might leave me disabled in some way. Oh, how my life has changed yes.
|Some of our stuff|
Today, I experienced my family stepping in changing plans, without me. Plans that I had been looking forward too for days and was so excited. These change in plans, where quick and took me off guard. My emotions quickly grew within me, as I broke down and cried as I tried explaining to my husband, that they where making me feel that they felt I was incapable and inadequate, as tears ran down my cheeks like a river.
He reassured me that was the last thing they wanted me to feel. That they see what I can handle and what I can’t. He reassured me, they where under unforeseen circumstances that came up for them, that they where only worried for my health and didn’t want my health to worsen.
I do however, realized how I need to sometimes, swallow my pride and except that I have to live with this illness. That they too are living with this illness. We are learning that, I can not fight it.
With this, I realize that my family is actually growing up and are only trying to help me out just as I want to help them. This makes me see that the most fulfilling job was raising my children. I must have done something right. Why? Because I see that they know sometimes they now have to also look out for me, just as I have them all these years.
I don’t look for pity, nor for others to feel sorry for me and my family, as we live with this disease. I just am trying to share so others grow awareness of that his is an invisible disease. For some it can be managed. That is exactly what I am trying to do.