This morning I woke up and I leisurely, made my way to our porch where I peacefully enjoyed a cup of coffee. What a great way to start our days viewing our beautiful pond. Even more enjoyable when my husband and my children get to join me.
Just like most days I am rushing to get the errands done, soon I become aware that my legs aren't feeling normal. They begin to feel weak and begin to shake. A shake that's not visible to anyone, but I can feel. Hanging the last peace of clothing on the line I can feel the summer heat turning up it’s power.
Thinking to myself; "I dam well better get my arse in gear so I can get what I need today before these legs get too shaky !”
I have come to take pride in the old way of living. Where the woman looks after; the house, the food, making meals clean cloths and whatever else the family may need. Even now fighting my monster, these daily chores are high on my priority list to try and keep my life to the normal living we have had over the years.
Experiencing these tremors, reminds me that I have to put my physical needs first on my daily priority list, again. I need to start exercising, walking and myself first and my day. That way it’s done and out of the way. The weakness and tremors only get worse as with heat/humidity. I know in the past with being in better physical shape, this weakness and shaking wasn’t as bad as today.
To my surprise I came across an article on my Facebook news feed explaining this exact thing. Ataxia Tremors it is called. Reading it it backed up my own theory that I, was not getting enough activity before our heat wave have came….. if I had been more physically prepared I would not be experiencing these Ataxia Tremors as bad. With out it being visible to others, I feel I was luckier then others out there that have more problems that come with this symptom.
Oh, yes! I knew I was going to struggle to complete my errands, rushed to get everything done and return home before it became visible to others. I have always tried to hide what I feel and whats doing on with me, even before my diagnoses of Multiple Sclerosis.
I always try to be that strong woman the community all looked upon, before my illness, not that it really matters. It’s a thing I try to do so I don’t get the pity response from everyone…….
On this day with the humidity quickly came the anxiety. It started as I slowly walked up and put my stuff so the cashier could ring my things through. I don’t know why the anxiety started as I knew this girl and often chatted to her on a friend level. She kinda gave me a funny look , like as if to say, "oh! She's having a bad day. ....it's ok, we all have our bad days.” , then smiled noticing that I was much slower then any other day and not quite myself. She didn't comment or say anything as I felt she was trying to ease my pride and it was ok to me.
I started to choke up.... I was trying not to say much....
I was thinking to myself; " At lest she knows that I have MS and I am not drunk! ...Dam you MS, for trying to do this to me !!! ………
I felt a lump in my throat get bigger and I began saying to myself; "Don't you cry!…..Don’t….. cry! Dam it don’t you cry! …Breathe…"
I know if I did cry , this poor young lady would want to say something….just hoping to ease the awkwardness, I could feel that we both where feeling. She is a very ….. kind soul.
I just wanted to get my errands done that day and beet this "bastard" inside of me. He’s not just playing with my body he often plays with my emotions…..to get the attention I refuse to give this bastard within!
Most people in our community know that I often keep to myself and can be stubborn. They also know that if I am bad enough and need help, that I will ask for it. Just as the other symptoms we with MS have, the anxiety and the tremors are both are not visible to others at this stage, for me. I must say; "I am happy for that."
When I got back home, I pulled out my phone and retread that article about Ataxia Tremors! Wow! Yes I need to get back at being more active and get on top of my health with diet and exercise! I will do what I had done before….. start with walking!!!
So I am going to go back out in that heat and walk laps around my cool pool. I am going to drink lots of water remain positive …... I am going to get that Monster back in his box!!! I will enjoy the summer and sun today! Just I'll do it MY WAY!